When there's nobody who cares

I've been having a great party.
All by myself.

And my husband and children paid for it.

And I sat this morning - deep in pity.
No one cared.
Feelings of abandonment took control.
Depression showed it's ugly face like a long lost friend.

A friend I thought I had got a restraining order for.

Nobody would understand.

And this morning I asked a friend, an life long acquaintance, . who seemed to be having a hard time, how they were doing. And the friend shared a few details. So, I could pray.

But I'm still at my party.
I can't even pray about it.

And then this dear one shared what they'd asked God for.

The cord was struck.
There was a hurried rush to go to the scriptures.
That recently, somewhat, neglected holy book.

I couldn't lead ME there - how was I to lead him.

But the cord was knotting and had to be undone. (Could that be the Spirit leading?)

So, I got real. I shared my pain. I made my point (several of my points).

I got convicted.

The knot loosened.

Here's what I said to him (but I may have been talking to myself). I've taken out any person identifiers.

I'm gonna be real honest. I'm having "a day." Its actually been several days. It could be hormones or recurring depression that's getting out of control. I even sent myself to my room to have a nice little pity party for myself. 
My thoughts, and remember I'm a  Bible teacher and shepherd of women and children, I help my husband lead worship on Fridays and Sundays - I'm dripping gospel, but my thought was (might still be a little bit), "I can't even pray about this, I don't want to talk about it, who would understand." 
Guess I should go eat worms. 
Then I came and read your last two messages. It is torture. The pain is real and we continue to pick it up and carry it around. And we are devastated all over again. 
So, I'll tell you this 1) I'm gonna throw some Bible at you. And believe me when I say I'm preaching to the choir. 

2) Our society stinks at mourning. We don't know how and we don't know who to let others grieve. Cry, scream, get angry, even yell at God (cause He is our Father and made us and love us and understands us better than we do ourselves). You've experienced GREAT loss! GRIEVE. But grieve with hope. 

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, 

but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin."

Hebrews 4:15 

3) Anger is an emotion. And we gotta do something with those.

"Therefore, having put away falsehood, 

let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, 

for we are members one of another. 

Be angry and do not sin; 

do not let the sun go down on your anger, 

and give no opportunity to the devil." 

 Ephesians 4:25-27 

But HOW? And I'm back at pray and search the scripture. 
Sometimes we have to lay that burden down a little at a time so we don't fly up in the air from the relief. And then we have to lay it down every single day. All day long. 

4) Look for His mercy. They are new every morning. (Boy am I struggling with this today). Great is His faithfulness. There is only One that is good and honey, it ain't me, and it ain't you, and it's not even our closest friends - we can find joy in no other but in the mercies of God. Mercy we are SO unworthy of. Wretched.  

5) IF you have been "living in sin" with this other person and you don't feel convicted - you need to check yo'self. How's your walk with God? Do you even have a walk with God?  
God's been in the restoration business a LONG time. I think of Ruth and Rahab and David.
He's been redeeming people all along. 
So, if you've strayed (or just been sitting in a ditch somewhere) get up! Get on your knees. Repent! Let God take control (oh so hard). (Is my shepherding slip showing?) 

6) How ya feeling? Cause I'm feeling pretty convicted. 

7) Hey Gideon, Look up "*****" in the Bible. Apps like gatewaybible.com or  biblehub.com make this easy. Look in the New Testament.  . . . Examine scripture . . . Examine scripture - it's the instruction book for living (wouldn't it be nice if we had a Book of (your name here) chapter (your age) to reference - guess that book is still being written).

As I've raised my own children I've realized that I was raised with a lot of faulty thinking. Thankfully I got into a great Bible Study - and use some great curriculum with the kids. The Word of God by the power of the Holy Spirit is what Transforms us. 
So, in your pain (and the choir's) are we living and thinking like the world in the "lust of the flesh?" Or are you (am I) practicing the "fruits of the spirit?" 

Am I living like I believe this hope I proclaim or like I'm a total hypocrite? 
Gotta say, today (and yesterday and most of Sunday), I've been an ugly mess. 
I'd like to blame hormones. 

BUT, I haven't opened my Bible, I haven't been in prayer like I should. And it's made me a terrible wife and mother and child of God.

I was gonna call a friend and ask her for her "talk" that I hate about choosing your attitude - I despise that talk. But . . . shoot. She's right. (Don't much like that either). 
And my family (and you, bless your heart) bear the hurt for my sorry-self.

Putting on my big girl drawers.

And having a cup of coffee.

Sweet release. The cords are loosed.

He cares for me.

Now to party with my Savior in the light of His word. (truth can be corny).

And the battle carries on.
One day at a time.