Sitting with my want

I was up all night.
My body was tired but my mind was going a million miles an hour.
If I didn't think of it last night, I probably never will.
I had that conversation with myself. You know it, "If you don't go to sleep you're going to have to go work on something."

So I finally quit tossing and thinking and got up. But kept thinking.
I worked on getting ready for school (we may start early).
I folded clothes (which I quit doing since I have all these "helpers").
I waged war on the kitchen counters.
I thought about mopping.
I turned the washer and dryer on.
I made coffee.
I kissed my husband good morning.

I sat down with my Bible and a cup of coffee.

I started praying.
You'd think that would put you to sleep.
It may have helped.

Adoration.
Confession.
Thanksgiving.
Supplication.

I have a big, hopeful want in my heart. A recurring desire.
I want to be a homeowner rather than a renter.
And we've found one. Not one that will just do. Not one that we could make work.
But one that we'd fit in. One that with new flooring (cause the carpet is ugly, dirty, and green) and some cleaning and paint (one room is bright orange), we could live in.
It's just right. It's new-ish.
It needs a little work but that's why we think we can totally afford this one.
It's "affordable."  Which means we could get it for what some people spend to remodel a couple of rooms.

I prayed for people. Gene, my Bible Study ladies, and others.
And I sat there asking God's will about this want.

My desire is to be where the One with the perfect plans whats us. More than my want of a big thing, is my want for His will. (Transformed life!)

And I recalled the faces of those brothers and sisters on the other side of the globe who, while I was sitting with my want before God, were running for their lives. Who've lost home and livelihood and family. Some have seen their children or parents murdered for their faith. They haven't turned their head as the sword fell or the trigger was pulled. They, the keepers of the faith.

“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, 

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you 

and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. 

Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, 

for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

Matthew 5:10-12

Lord, help! Redeem these enemies or wipe them out. 

Lord, help! Give your people rest. Comfort them. Save. Protect. Heal. Lift up. 

Lord, help! 

And here I sit with my want. 

Fret not yourself because of evildoers;

    be not envious of wrongdoers!

For they will soon fade like the grass

    and wither like the green herb.

Trust in the Lord, and do good;

    dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord,

    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:1-4

My only enemy (that I'm currently aware of) is none other than Satan. 

He tries to make us doubt, and disagree, and come between us, and discourage us.

I'm not running. 

I'm comfortable.

Content.

Just got a want.

Gene is preaching from the Psalms this summer at the park. This week is Psalm 7. 

He's encouraged his little flock at home and a few that come to the park on a regular basis to study the Word for ourselves. To prepare. To be attentive.*(see note at the end)

So I read it again.

And I wept (some more). 

And Psalm 7 became a prayer.

O Lord my God, be their refuge;

    save them from all their pursuers and deliver them,

lest like a lion they tear those souls apart,

    rending them in pieces, with none to deliver.

O Lord my God, if I have done this,

    if there is wrong in my hands,

if I have repaid my friend with evil

    or plundered my enemy without cause,

let the enemy pursue my soul and overtake it,

    and let him trample my life to the ground

    and lay my glory in the dust. Selah

(but just forgive me Lord, I don't want to be overtaken and trampled).

Arise, O Lord, in your anger;

    lift yourself up against the fury of my enemy and the enemies of your people in foreign lands;

    awake for us; you have appointed a judgment.

Let the assembly of the peoples be gathered about you;

    over it return on high. (come Lord Jesus).

The Lord judges the peoples;

    judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness

(my imputed righteousness - 

I praise you that you see me through those rose-colored glasses). 

    and according to the integrity that is in me.

Oh, let the evil of the wicked come to an end,

    and may you establish the righteous—

you who test the minds and hearts,

    O righteous God!

My shield is with God,

    who saves the upright in heart.

God is a righteous judge,

    and a God who feels indignation every day.

If a man does not repent, God will whet his sword;

    he has bent and readied his bow;

He has prepared for him his deadly weapons,

    making his arrows fiery shafts.

Behold, the wicked man conceives evil

    and is pregnant with mischief

    and gives birth to lies.

He makes a pit, digging it out,

    and falls into the hole that he has made.

His mischief returns upon his own head,

    and on his own skull his violence descends.

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness,

    and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

I'm reminded, He has overcome the world. The victory is already won.
While I pray for time-management, rest, strength for each day, and thank Him for my comfort, even in my wanting, here I sit.
Coffee, Bible, comfort.

Lord, help! Satisfy the with You. Be their All. Be their comfort.
Be a shield before and behind them.
Lord, help! Show themm daily evidence of your everlasting, steadfast love.

Arise, O Lord! Confront him, subdue him!

    Deliver my soul from the wicked by your sword,

from men by your hand, O Lord,

    from men of the world whose portion is in this life.

You fill their womb with treasure;

they are satisfied with children,

    and they leave their abundance to their infants.

As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;

    when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.

Psalm 17:13-15

*note: WooWee! that good lookin' feller sure can preach! 

     Look what God can do with the shy one! 

     - you can see/hear him here - don't forget to subscribe.

When there's nobody who cares

I've been having a great party.
All by myself.

And my husband and children paid for it.

And I sat this morning - deep in pity.
No one cared.
Feelings of abandonment took control.
Depression showed it's ugly face like a long lost friend.

A friend I thought I had got a restraining order for.

Nobody would understand.

And this morning I asked a friend, an life long acquaintance, . who seemed to be having a hard time, how they were doing. And the friend shared a few details. So, I could pray.

But I'm still at my party.
I can't even pray about it.

And then this dear one shared what they'd asked God for.

The cord was struck.
There was a hurried rush to go to the scriptures.
That recently, somewhat, neglected holy book.

I couldn't lead ME there - how was I to lead him.

But the cord was knotting and had to be undone. (Could that be the Spirit leading?)

So, I got real. I shared my pain. I made my point (several of my points).

I got convicted.

The knot loosened.

Here's what I said to him (but I may have been talking to myself). I've taken out any person identifiers.

I'm gonna be real honest. I'm having "a day." Its actually been several days. It could be hormones or recurring depression that's getting out of control. I even sent myself to my room to have a nice little pity party for myself. 
My thoughts, and remember I'm a  Bible teacher and shepherd of women and children, I help my husband lead worship on Fridays and Sundays - I'm dripping gospel, but my thought was (might still be a little bit), "I can't even pray about this, I don't want to talk about it, who would understand." 
Guess I should go eat worms. 
Then I came and read your last two messages. It is torture. The pain is real and we continue to pick it up and carry it around. And we are devastated all over again. 
So, I'll tell you this 1) I'm gonna throw some Bible at you. And believe me when I say I'm preaching to the choir. 

2) Our society stinks at mourning. We don't know how and we don't know who to let others grieve. Cry, scream, get angry, even yell at God (cause He is our Father and made us and love us and understands us better than we do ourselves). You've experienced GREAT loss! GRIEVE. But grieve with hope. 

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, 

but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin."

Hebrews 4:15 

3) Anger is an emotion. And we gotta do something with those.

"Therefore, having put away falsehood, 

let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, 

for we are members one of another. 

Be angry and do not sin; 

do not let the sun go down on your anger, 

and give no opportunity to the devil." 

 Ephesians 4:25-27 

But HOW? And I'm back at pray and search the scripture. 
Sometimes we have to lay that burden down a little at a time so we don't fly up in the air from the relief. And then we have to lay it down every single day. All day long. 

4) Look for His mercy. They are new every morning. (Boy am I struggling with this today). Great is His faithfulness. There is only One that is good and honey, it ain't me, and it ain't you, and it's not even our closest friends - we can find joy in no other but in the mercies of God. Mercy we are SO unworthy of. Wretched.  

5) IF you have been "living in sin" with this other person and you don't feel convicted - you need to check yo'self. How's your walk with God? Do you even have a walk with God?  
God's been in the restoration business a LONG time. I think of Ruth and Rahab and David.
He's been redeeming people all along. 
So, if you've strayed (or just been sitting in a ditch somewhere) get up! Get on your knees. Repent! Let God take control (oh so hard). (Is my shepherding slip showing?) 

6) How ya feeling? Cause I'm feeling pretty convicted. 

7) Hey Gideon, Look up "*****" in the Bible. Apps like gatewaybible.com or  biblehub.com make this easy. Look in the New Testament.  . . . Examine scripture . . . Examine scripture - it's the instruction book for living (wouldn't it be nice if we had a Book of (your name here) chapter (your age) to reference - guess that book is still being written).

As I've raised my own children I've realized that I was raised with a lot of faulty thinking. Thankfully I got into a great Bible Study - and use some great curriculum with the kids. The Word of God by the power of the Holy Spirit is what Transforms us. 
So, in your pain (and the choir's) are we living and thinking like the world in the "lust of the flesh?" Or are you (am I) practicing the "fruits of the spirit?" 

Am I living like I believe this hope I proclaim or like I'm a total hypocrite? 
Gotta say, today (and yesterday and most of Sunday), I've been an ugly mess. 
I'd like to blame hormones. 

BUT, I haven't opened my Bible, I haven't been in prayer like I should. And it's made me a terrible wife and mother and child of God.

I was gonna call a friend and ask her for her "talk" that I hate about choosing your attitude - I despise that talk. But . . . shoot. She's right. (Don't much like that either). 
And my family (and you, bless your heart) bear the hurt for my sorry-self.

Putting on my big girl drawers.

And having a cup of coffee.

Sweet release. The cords are loosed.

He cares for me.

Now to party with my Savior in the light of His word. (truth can be corny).

And the battle carries on.
One day at a time.

Ketchup

There is no ketchup in this post.
But there is food that my darling children created.
And I happily ate. And it was WONDERFUL!

Having big kids is a total plus. I don't get this whole "wow, I can't handle my teens (or pre-teens)."
I'm not bragging (much). Mine are just great.
What were we afraid of? (Lets not talk about what we were like or did as teens. Don't poop at my party!)

Don't think like a Philistine!

And when the Philistine looked and saw David, he disdained him, for he was but a youth, ruddy and handsome in appearance. 

~ 1 Samuel 17:42 ~

Think like Paul,

Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

~ 1 Timothy 4:12 ~

Teach and train so that they may say, 

For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth.

~ Psalm 71:5 ~

O God, from my youth you have taught me,

    and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.

~ Psalm 71:17 ~

This is a catch-up post. Cause I only posted once in June and that was a story about our big trip in May!
We haven't had in more real "big" stuff happen. But we are keeping ourselves amused (all.the.time.)

In June:
We went to a local church to hear Ugandan Thunder. They were awesome!!!
Church members volunteer to house them until it's time for them to go to the next town/gig. Our friends (with three girls) took home three girls. The next day we had the privilege of playing at the lake with three of the girls from the Ugandan choir. What wonderful young ladies.
I will say that there was dancing before the Lord like you don't normally see in a Baptist church.
Here's a video with their choir director (who is a famous artist somewhere)(this wasn't taped where we were)

Singers and dancers alike say, "All my springs are in you.”

~ Psalm 87:7 ~

We had sweet friends come visit. Lovely!

Top: Local Ashworth girls
Bottom: playing games with the red headed Gilbert children who moved
far away to Oregon - but blessed us with a long awaited visit.

We are still going to the nursing home every Friday night and we began Church at the Park again. 

Every Sunday, June-August, 9:30 am, Victoria Bryant State Park.

The Daddy has Set up a YouTube channel to post his sermons.

I happen to think the last two weeks sermons have been fabulous! (And I'm his biggest critic). Alex is our videographer. I lead the singing (we don't record that - Praise the Lord!)

Reverend The Daddy is preaching through Psalms this summer (he did deviate for Father's day). This is Psalms 3. (Subscribe to his channel). 

School was (is) finishing up.

Lora made 3D shapes
Littlest brother made one also. And here is a recent rendering by that 5 year old of Bob and Larry.

Ava and Elijah are taking a cooking class. It's slow going because it's fancy gourmet stuff (i.e. it's expensive).

Lora made mile-high fudge-brownie pie. Yummy! (these people know the way to my heart).

The Daddy got his REAL diploma in the mail. HE'S DONE! (why doesn't he seem to have extra time?)

Jacob is still plugging away at kindergarten work. Slow and sure wins the race.

And Ava has been accepted to Toccoa Falls College for duel enrollment!!! AND we just found out that the program covers the cost of her books!

We got to spend some time in Helen with our Papa Shriner.

And some time at the park with Grandmother.

The four littles and I joined some friends at the Library for a movie. We saw the Incredibles. The big kids stayed home and entertained themselves (another bonus of having teens!).

On another day, I took the kids to see Cinderella. We waited until it was at the Value Cinema in Athens. $2.50 each = $22.50 for me and ALL the kids. It was Jacob and Josiah's first time at a real movie theater.

Waiting for the movie to start.

Big boys are silly. 

Alex and Elijah
Notice Alex got his bottom braces off!!! He has a clear retainer.

But sweet and creative.

Alex's "old-timey car" with goggled driver.

And sometimes The Mama has to take one to the emergency room to make sure he's not broken himself.

(At some point we've gotten into July).

Not broken! Just weird, gross, goose egg on his leg.

Today, after my nap while watching Sunday afternoon movies. I looked up to see all the sweetness.

Autumn was helping The Daddy fix the toilet and learn how to post his videos to YouTube.

Top: Lora, cousin Nyk, Jorja, Jacob - on the couch
Middle: The Mama and Josiah, Autumn and The Daddy, Elijah loves beach balls
Bottom: Ava and Alex - a little fuzzy.

And here's Jacob's recent drawing of his family. Perspective is complex.

And that's it.

Currently - like right this minute - I'm being edited (while typing) by Ava and Jorja.

The Daddy is helping Lora put together a model car she got for Christmas. This will take a while.

Elijah and Nyk are getting in trouble for running and aggravating each other (and 9 other people).

Jacob & Josiah are playing cars. Autumn is unaccounted for (and Ava has disappeared). 

So all is well.