Mom guilt

Or in my case Mama guilt - heaven forbid they call me "mom". I won't answer.
And tonight it just may send me over the edge.

It's New Years Eve.
On this night we eat junk in the living room, drink Shirley Temples, listen to music, play games, and enjoy extra frivolity until time for the ball to drop in NYC and turn on the TV and count down with hundreds of thousands of others in the Eastern Time Zone.

This "party" may have been my idea of a good "tradition" several years ago.

Gene claims they (our offspring) aren't being any worse than normal.
I admit that my attitude stinks.

So, with out fanfare or sweet partings, I'm in my room.
I can't shake it. I could cry.
I'm writing about it.
I may still cry.
And pray.


I'm not being the joyful mother of children.
They are not bringing me joy - they are loading a camels with straws.

I'm mean and grumpy.
And I've ruled out hormones.

I'm tired.
I'm joyless.

And according to all these happy homemaker/joyful mothering things I follow, what I feel isn't right.
And that makes me feel guilty.
I should be able to choose my attitude.
I should be joyful surrounded by my loving husband and adoring children.

But instead . . .

Every wrong or misplaced word or action on their part seeks to send me over the edge.
I've barked and fussed and griped and . . .
I've tried to enjoy their silly.

But this evening, which should be a time of fun isn't.

If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
(how dare they be!?!?!)

So, I'm removed. Of my own accord.
They've finished eating. I heard them come down the hall to the linen closet for games.
It will be a mess.
Messes don't mess with me.

What is my deal?

And in my heart I keep hearing, "the joy of the Lord is my strength."
Where is that?
So I search it out.

In Nehemiah chapter 8, the law has just been read to the people and they bow down in worship and are weeping when Nehemiah says in verse 10,  “Go, eat of the fat, drink of the sweet, and send portions to him who has nothing prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”"
In verse 11 the priest calm the people saying, “Be still, for the day is holy; do not be grieved.”"

I'm grieved.
And my High Priest whispers to my heart that He is my strength. His strength is where my joy is found.
Not in the temporal. Not even in these people I love and live with.
Not even in the people I really to like, I just can't stand at the moment.
For no good reason.

Except maybe, the Good Shepherd needed to pull me aside, whisper in my ear and speak to my heart. Remind me to love with open hands. Remind me to realign my priorities.
Remind me that it really is okay to take a break.
A real break.
Gather my wits. Pray. Cry. Search. Listen.

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, 

Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, 

but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, 

yet without sin. 

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, 

that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

~  Hebrews 4:14-16 ~

He can sympathize. He lived with 12 rough fellas for 3 years - and sometimes He climbed a mountainside to go be alone with His Father.
I can confidently draw near the throne of grace - incomprehensible grace - and there get mercy and grace to help in a time of need.

Even the need of "straw reduction" for this grumpy camel.

It's a really good thing that He can see our hearts. Our inner attitudes and desires. And that He forgives so graciously.

It's okay.
I'm still not un-grumped completely. But I don't have to "listen" to all those happy mothers all the time - I don't have to add that guilt to this mad.

I can go climb a mountain (figuratively).

Plus, if I tried to run away, they'd want to come with me.
I may sit here a little longer.

yet I will rejoice in the Lord;

    I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

God, the Lord, is my strength;

   He makes my feet like the deer's;

  He makes me tread on my high places.

~ Habakkuk 3:18-19 ~

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,

from whence cometh my help.

My help cometh from the Lord, 

which made heaven and earth.

~ Psalm 121:1-2 ~

I'm a bad blogger & December 2014 in a . . . large crockpot

My Ava, as Miss Modesty, is becoming a better blogger than me. If you haven't been impressed with her 15 year old wisdom you can check it out here or here or here or here .
That might not be saying much since neither of us have blogged this month at all. And just noticed my dear sister-in-love out in Nevada has updated twice in the last week. No pressure. Just checking "blog" off my list of things I need to have done already. Not currently getting checked off: clean the stinky bathroom (which is mine this time and not the boys or the girls), mop, do something fun &/or educational with the children, clean my room, tell children to clean their rooms, cooking that free turkey Gene got from work before it goes bad, write or find THE next Easter play, work on more Bible Study stuff (a whole'nother list - but it is started), grade school papers, finish planning the next two weeks of lessons . . .
The day isn't over yet.

It's New Years Eve and I'm gonna get one more bloggy thing in for 2014.
Not that that matters.
Tomorrow will be much like today - only I'll have to remember to write a new year on checks and other "official" documents and I still can't remember that it isn't 2010 (yes, I wrote that on a check) (I also wrote my maiden name on something one day) (recently) (after 17 years of NOT having that name) (Don't judge) (blame the kids).

(Ava just walked by and declared that we could blame the holidays). (I shrugged).

Advent Posters

So, December. In the mornings we did (attemped) an advent study from here. Still have posters on the wall
but Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus haven't made it up there (Christmas was last week).
We continued our tradition of getting a real tree for Christmas. This year we had to go to a new tree farm, the one we have used got wiped out by a tree disease. The tree is lovely - they all were - not as much fun picking. The branches are not very stiff at all and we have continually been picking up the crafts/ornaments and putting them back on it.

Top 3 at Beck's Tree Farm - bottom right before Christmas

On Dec 6th, the faithful descended on our home to decorate a float for the Lavonia Christmas Parade which took place Sunday, Dec. 7th.

The Get ready crew

FCRTL in the Lavonia Christmas Parade

And that same weekend we were privileged to witness Chris (Gene's friend & my brother from a whole'nother family) get married to a sweet girl named Melody. They are raising her children and part of his. I'm proud of the man he is becoming. I prayed for this fella a long time to come to know the Lord as his Savior. Still praying that their relationship with God grows richer and deeper and stronger and that they have the delight of leading those precious little ones to their Heavenly Father.

While getting the house as ready for Christmas as I cared to get it, I was moving the globe to make room for my "antique" nativity and all the wonderful Christmas cards I adore. I had the thought that it needed a bow. A small piece of ribbon was near by and I bedecked the globe and proclaimed,

"Joy to the World!" 

It was at this point that my spare, Brent, fell apart. He was already wondering about the sanity of his teacher - and then she did that.

The globe is still bedecked on the brown school table, the Nativity. . . well, I hope we find all the pieces.

This year, for the first time ever, we celebrated Chanukkah (or Hanukkah or Hanukah or "That long Jewish Holiday before Christmas?")
No, we are not switching religious teams. We just thought it sounded like a good idea - and it was!
Hanukkah in Hebrew means "dedication" - so really you can "hanuk" (verb) anything.
In the New Testament this particular holiday is called the Feast of Dedication (John 10:22).
A long time ago (before Christ) Israel was under Greek rule and it was terrible. The emperor, Antiochus Epiphanes was evil and had desecrated the temple. The Maccabee family lead a revolt (it was ugly) and eventually drove the Greeks out and called their nation back to God. They re-dedicated the temple - a multi-day process. At this time they realized that the Greeks had used all the olive oil for the temple lamps (the Menorah) on their salads. But God kept those lamps burning for EIGHT days. It was a miracle! And the priest rightly proclaimed a yearly memorial.
Likewise, we are now the temple of the living God. He is the light, and imparts light to us, and expects us to be lights in the world. So with Matthew 5:16 as our memory verse, MUCH help from Mrs. Nancy Campbell of Above Rubies and her years of wisdom, and information from Judaism 101 we dove in.
Our evening family devotions has suffered (we are the most inconsistent people) and it helped to have a different plan. And the children had a great time. Next year we are differently adding Jelly Doughnut to our celebration - and perhaps a REAL Menorah. (Do they put them on after holiday sales?)

On the first night Gene and Autumn made Latkas. I prepared our "menorahs". Before our meal we gathered to read God Word together and light the lights.
At the end of each study and lighting Gene closed us with prayer, thanks, blessing the food and a special blessing for a child. We went oldest to youngest. And that child got to "light" their candle on our "window menorah" (construction paper,gold wrapping paper, duck tape). The little-er ones colored while we read.

Night One (from top left clockwise): the "flame" holster; the window Menorah; the Table Menorah (we used these little jars on the mantle for Christmas last year - and the platter was a birthday gift from my mother); Ava "lighting" her candle

The Daddy frying Latkas, Star, Latkas, Autumn after helping shred potatoes

What a wonderful 8 days!

Day 8: Our completed window Menorah, Dreidles - the kids enjoyed playing this game, another coloring sheet

The weekend before Christmas we celebrated at Grandmother's house. She's a pretty good cook!

Here are a few of the attendees that I love:  Aunt Tara; Cousins - Daniel, Elijah, Alex; GREAT Aunt Audrey;  Mr. Beals & Uncle Doug; Josiah and happy Lora; and Uncle Larry

Tara got something for her Dad and my Mother in a really big box - I think the littles were the most excited. They helped opening it up. And they stayed excited, for inside was a BUNCH of bubble wrap and the box was claimed by Josiah as his "camp". Good times!

Uncle Wayne with Maddux - the OLD great-grandkids with the newest one

In years past we'd go see a little light display in Lawrenceville, but the family that did that quit. Bummer.

So we went to see Uncle Wayne, Aunt Meme and little Maddux - a big, bouncing, happy, observant, sweet baby boy.

Oh, and Nick. Saw him too.

We missed seeing Brittany and Ryan.

Did I mention that Maddux is a bouncing baby boy - most of my pictures were action shots. 

Sure did enjoy finally meeting him.

Elves

Tuesday Uncle Paul came to visit. I'm so glad that we have the relationship that we do. And for those of you struggling with forgiveness against someone who's done ya wrong - take it from me, God has something great in mind. 

Forgive as He has forgiven you.

We went to see lights in Anderson and Greenville that night then ate at Steak & Shake (I LOVE that place!)

On Wednesday morning Paul took the boys shopping, then traded and took the girls shopping.

(The girls found me a Malficent hat - this is important information later in this post).

Then we had Christmas Eve supper with Papa and Mr. Jan.

And took the annual Christmas PJ picture.

Christmas morning was delightful. Between us, Santa, and more Grandparents than you and stick a shake at

these little people are not lacking.

Then Gene and Paul and fickle helpers put together the new trampoline from Grandmother and Rick. 

"You can't NOT smile on a trampoline," was the convincing statement I was told when given the first one. So, the bouncing smiles are back at last.

Christmas evening we celebrated with GrandMaM

a & Granddad - we took them out to eat. (Mama was done in the kitchen!) In what I later learned was good form - even though the food stank - we had Chinese.

Finally, for your viewing enjoyment, The many faces of Jacob - kid just needs a prop.

I have no idea where this kid gets it!

And that's it! (that's all I recall and was greatly helped by having a record in pictures).

Getting ready to party with just my gaggle this evening. Stay-up late, eat junk and anything that goes with ranch dip - the majority of children in the Brown home are on a broccoli kick - playing games and goofing off (which we are supper good at).

See you next year! 

Happy New Year!

Now to Him who is able

 to keep you from stumbling,

And to present you faultless

Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,

To God our Savior,

Who alone is wise,

Be glory and majesty,

Dominion and power,

Both now and forever.

Amen.

~ James 1:24-25 ~

FYI: During the typing of this blog the free turkey got in the roaster and I chopped celery for tonight's party. And after a cup of coffee I plan to clean the bathroom.